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Cleric Journal: Day Fifty-Five



Okay, I learned on day fifty-five that I hadn’t fallen asleep at my post, so suck it, Brother Durham. I’d had a spell cast on me. A very sneaky, low, cowardly spell called sleep. I’m sure you can imagine what it does. Seems someone handed the lead kobold a scroll of sleep and he cast it upon us as I was on guard. Sneaksie, I say. Foul and nasty. But who on earth would give a magic scroll to a kobold? This was not a mistake. Someone was specifically hunting for us.

One funny thing, I was better rested from that spell than I had since leaving the explodey island. I’m really sorry we lost that tower. It had some cool things in it. Statues and stuff. Things I’d never imagined we would have in our monasteries, but there is no accounting for what some people consider art. I know we don’t worship demons, I mean, I’ve been at services my whole life. The last occupants of that tower had a wild imagination, let’s just say.

I didn’t spend the night hanging from a tree, thank Semaunya (may her head be thicker than mine). They cut me down, tied me up and dragged me into their camp. For some reason they didn’t kill me. Liz had no predilection toward mercy on her part and killed three flyers and two regular kobolds before fading back into the swamp. Or so she told me later. We also had the advantage that kobolds don’t like sunlight. See when we attacked them the sun was high in the sky which caused the little stabbers to be uncomfortable and jittery. Worked to Liz’s advantage. I just wish I hadn’t gotten stuck in that rope trap.

The kobolds, not knowing how many of us there were left two scouts behind to watch for further pursuit while the rest fled with me and most of our gear. One of the scouts had the misfortune of carrying Liz’s spear which was far too long to be effectively used by the little biter. Of course, Liz went after him quick enough once the rest of the troop were gone long enough, caving in the side of his melon head with a thrown stone. Girl was talented. She killed he second kobold by biting it in the face. Yes, I wrote that correctly, she bit his face off. You’ll just have to take my word for it. I would rather I never knew that, myself. I’m just glad I didn’t see it. Ew.

The now faceless kobold had been carrying Liz’s best satchel (which just so happened to carried smoked fish). Then she followed the rather obvious trail to see what happened to me. The camp wasn’t enough. She told me she wasn’t sure if I was alive or not until she heard me flatulate. I think I may have misunderstood her words, but I made her repeat it seven times to be sure. Flatulate was not a word in Lizard Folk I ever expected to learn. I was fascinated. Also — fish and iron rations stew made me gassy. It’s a thing.

Now, if we can get back to the story. I was sitting in the kobold camp, tied to a stake and listening intently as the buggers spoke Lizard Folk as I mentioned yesterday(ish). They were supposed to gather my gear and wait until a powerful wizard showed up to give them further orders. There was to be much feasting (likely with me as the main course) after this wizard finished questioning, torturing, and/or flaying my most tender parts.

I want it stated for the record that at his moment I knew it was going to be Tim. I mean, how many wizards could there be in this part of the swamp. Next time Liz gets the chance, I whole heartedly endorse her stabbing him in the neck. Or maybe even biting his face off.

After a bit I dozed. I know I’d already slept pretty well under that spell, but gods kobolds are boring. And stupid. At one point when none of them were looking at me I called out “your hive mother services dwarves” in Lizard Folk. I also disguised my voice, speaking in a falsetto. This got them to fighting amongst themselves for about five minutes. My laughing basically screwed that up. They were obviously too afraid of the unknown wizard (Tim) to mess with me. But I could tell that the leader really wanted to stab me. Instead he pelted me with kobold dung. Yes, you heard me. If I had been able to break free I would have gone after that guy first, even barehanded. When you have kobold excrement smashed on your face, it no longer matters that they had everything I owned, well… except the mace.

Liz reported later that they tried to pick up the mace after knocking me unconscious with a sling stone. This proved to be a bad idea, as you may recall from the great Bullywog incident back on day thirty-seven. It fried one of them. A jolt of divine lightning cremated the sucker where he stood. Left a little pile of dust and scales. They let it lay after that.

I knew about where it dropped and planned to go back and get it once I figured out how I was getting out of there alive.

At nightfall I learned that the mighty wizard had been summoned by means of a second scroll and that he would arrive sometime before dawn the next day. I had about four hours of daylight left at that point, plus a rather long night where the kobolds would regain their full strength. If I was going to do anything I had to be quick about it.

I could almost hear the whistle of stones falling as Liz came to my rescue.

Nothing happened. Liz didn’t rescue me, the sun went down and I was alone in the midst of a tribe of wild kobolds. Life was looking (and smelling) pretty grim.

I’m ashamed to say I forgot myself there in my anger and petulance. Good lesson to learn. I’m a cleric by the will of the gods. Even one as lowly and pathetic as I am have certain connections. I prayed. I figure it couldn’t hurt, right?   The night was long, but at the end of it, Tim was coming to cut me with sharp things. I didn’t sleep after that thought.

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What I'm Reading


D&D 5E Player’s Handbook


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The wild ox; strength and power.


Creativity; words, music, and art.


The troll cross; wealth and prosperity.


The sun; energy, honor, guidance.


Personally earned or lucky wealth and prosperity.


The harvest; patience and promise.


The chariot; journey and travel.

Note: This is not the real book cover.